bang BANG.

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bang; BANG; boom;

Not all murders have a motive
This one certainly didn't

We've reached the end of the road
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for the ride

dimanche, mars 29, 2009

Let's play a game of Russian Roulette

Fate has a way of turning things around.

I still cannot believe I revealed my stalker identity to a former victim. It was rather awkward but once the first word was said I realised that there was no turning back.

As far as the situation goes, I had 2 choices:

- deny and LIE

- grin and bear it.

Run was not even an option at the time but yes, knowing my pathetic inability to lie, I chose the latter. Hahah. Well, it wasn't as bad as I would have imagined 6 years ago. Because, obviously, people are more receptive when you drop the 's' from stalk.

It was not a bad effort, I guess.

I did well for an anti-social, hahah!

I wonder if Nutella and Pyramid from the olden days would have been proud of me. (:

I would imagine that most people would have prayed for the ground to open up and swallow them whole, but I'm glad I stood my ground and grinned my way through tough questions because it's always good to see life from a different perspective.

I guess it is only now that I am able to understand the amount of conviction it takes to stand up and choose an alternative, because it is common knowledge that society view such people as eccentric. And I was part of that exclusive society, I confess. But fortunately, I grew older and hopefully, wiser such that I no longer scoff at such a thing and look contemptuously at such a person but instead regard them in a kind of awe usually reserved for genial achievers. It shows how my world has changed, and how really, the whole world's view has altered.

You can blame it on The Audacity of Hope, though. Hahah. And I'm counting down to the day my "beloved" comes to town. I will usher him in with garlands of jasmines, throw rice in his path, carry banners in his name.. I wonder if they accept bigamy in the not-so-white house. But then, I realise, he might never set foot on my homeland. Because we have all seen "The Letter". And I can only hope that out of the 1000+ important letters he gets in a day, he wouldn't let ONE get in the way of doing his job. Or even, get in the way of jetsetting to this part of the globe.

Oh well.

To dream is human, no?

>1:35 AM

mardi, mars 10, 2009

I think . Wait, I fear that there's something about this place that has changed me.

I've transformed into something I don't even recognize anymore.

Seeing the amount of evil that conspires within my head, I'm surprised I haven't sprouted horns in my temples. I know I used to be unassuming, non-judgmental, and happy. Well, I might've had miserable patches, but at least I was positive.

It's not easy to believe the best of people when they constantly prove you wrong. I don't like being so negative. It saps you of energy that could be put to better use. Maybe it's the perfectionist streak in me that's so unable to accept irresponsibility.

But really if it's one thing I can't tolerate it's irresponsibility. I've accepted that I have very different ideals. But sometimes. it's impossible to understand that some people would choose to prioritize frivolous things.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here. But it's like a destructive relationship I just cannot get out of. The more I love, the more I hate. If that made any sense, anyway. Many times, not unlike now, I feel like I'm hanging in between two extremes. A transitional space, perhaps, but I never stop wondering if one day the pendulum would stop swinging.. and if that happens, which extreme would I fall into? or would I remain, forever, in the in-between?

I'm sorry that it's starting to get philosophical, it tends to get this way certain times of the month.

and then I'm bitchy, sarcastic, short-tempered, conniving, back-stabbing.. all the adjectives you could possibly associate with the villain in a fairytale story. Trust me, I've played all that. To say it was all in the name of those 3 letters sounds absurd but unfortunately, this time, I have no excuses for myself.

Maybe it's all part of growing old. You start to think that it's no longer acceptable to let all the negativity out. You think it's weak to confide in someone. You swallow it all, and start spitting venom in non-lethal doses into every snippet of your everyday conversations. You justify skepticism and sarcasm as subtle "constructive" criticism. You justify hedonism as a way to survive in a dog-eat-dog world; where only the fittest survive. And slowly, by making one small excuse at a time, you transform yourself, so proud are you that the version of a person you are now is befitting of the adult world.

But I am not proud. In fact, I am ashamed.

I have finally accepted that my teenager years are over, and I face the adult world with a growing sense of dread.

>10:27 PM