bang BANG.

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bang; BANG; boom;

Not all murders have a motive
This one certainly didn't

We've reached the end of the road
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for the ride

mardi, février 26, 2008

Frankly speaking, I'm quite sick of people taking advantage of me. Of people mistaking my patience as my weakness. I never liked shouting because I know, I would regret raising my voice an instant after.

I hate nagging. (Okay, that's an obvious lie) Fine, I don't hate it, I just hate listening to myself doing it.
When I'm in the mood, I really can nag for hours. But I don't necessarily have to feel good after. Infact, most of the time, the opposite is true.

Just because I don't shout and insist that every single word uttered to me has to be in propriety, does not mean I don't have a limit to how much I can take.
I already regret having snapped twice today but am glad that my skill at bouncing back is still in tiptop condition.
Sometimes, I'm surprised at how quickly I can go from full out screaming my lungs out to whispering kindly. But then, I have always hated the kind of teachers who get mad at everyone in the class just because one kid in the class was misbehaving.

I always say I cannot get angry but the truth is that I don't want to regret anything done in anger.
Maybe I should start practicing giving a stern face in the mirror so I don't actually have to resort to shouting. While shouting makes them obey immediately, it still is something I hate to do.

Speaking of stern faces, I think my face has lost it's arrogance. At one point, I'd probably have thought that a good thing. But funnily, a whole lot of odd people have been coming up to me and having interesting albeit random conversations.

Hmm. Maybe the social butterfly in me has finally taken over. (I can hear your toes laughing, hah-hah)

I even had a relatively longer than usual conversation with my dentist! At first, it was just the occasional ah-pek raising half questions about what I was doing armed with a camera while carrying out my job. And then, it was the noodles store aunty at Banquet asking me about my braces and telling me her life story about how her daughter wanted to get them for vanity's sake. And soon after, it was the makcik I've nevr met before in the lift who ended up offering me a ride to Ubi! (because I was telling her I was late for my driving lesson) and there was one elderly Indian lady who sat beside me in the train; she started off asking for directions to ICA building but we ended up talking about the IC replacement fee being a ripoff.

Hm. Maybe furrow the brows a little more when I walk around. Somehow, many people seem to have something interesting to say to me. While I don't mind it so much, it's funny how this happened only recently. And only with the adults, not with the people who actually matter. Because, while the probability that the uncle sitting beside me on the bus turns around and starts talking to me is quite high, the probability that the cute guy I was buying potatoes from in the market say something other than "$3 please" is unfortunately, very very close to zero.

Maybe it's the adult world welcoming me. They treat me like one of them now. I am, (much to my disappointment) no longer considered as a pesky teenager whom they must overlook. They see me now as an equal, somehow. .. I wonder if it has something to do with my sunburnt nose...

Okay, most probably not.

But while I know certain people who can't wait to turn twenty, (hint hint!) I'm really not one of them! I want to remain a teenager. But it already seems that while I was dawdling in my departure from teenhood, the Immigrations Department of Teendom has officially sent me into eternal exile in Adulthood. I guess the time to say goodbye has long since left me in its dust; I was the only one too blind to see.

Ohwell. Things change and life goes on.
A new door opens, a new world awaits.

Hello world! I am now officially (and unwillingly) an Adult!

Libellés : adulthood, anger

>10:00 PM

lundi, février 25, 2008

I wrote one post a week ago but it apparently never made it online.

Anyway, I asked my mum this question;

"When you're ending a phase of your life, don't you ever wonder which friends will stay and which will leave?"

And she said,

"I never bothered thinking about that. I don't care about being alone. I don't mind friends staying in contact but I will never insist we keep the friendship."

And I can't help thinking. Is it wrong to insist on keeping the friendship alive? Maybe I bothered for 2 months, or so, I did. The prospect of facing the future alone terrified me.

I postponed France because the thought of carving my own history alone was too daunting.

But she said again, "Everyone goes through life alone. You may have people guiding you along, but ultimately, you must make it on your own."

I wished she didn't have to be so harsh, but it's true, isn't it?

In a way it is. But call it being blindly idealistic, I refuse to agree with that. While you have to make it on your own, I do not believe you have to make it alone.

Many times I think I'm walking alone down a path I chose to take, but when I stumble on something in my path, a hand reaches out to pull me upright. And urges me to continue walking.
When I feel like I'm in a dark cave with no exits, a small light is suddenly seen at the end of the tunnel.

Natural human instinct; we all like to believe we're in a far worse predicament than we usually are. We try to blindfold ourselves against things we don't want to see. We try to make ourselves feel heroic, that there's a greater purpose to our existence that must be faced alone.

I don't deny that each person has his own destiny to follow. But it is not impossible that someone else's path may run close to yours.

Maybe, what I'm trying t say is that, I cannot do what my mum has done. From practically the day she was born, it had been instilled in her to put family above all else. While I know, friends are no where near the top of my priority list, they still hold some weight in my life.

There are those without whom my life will lose its meaning. And those I continually seek to slap me in the face so I can face reality. And those I can always count on to keep me sane in dire times.

And with regards to the question I asked, my answer is that, I never stop asking that question. It's interesting to see whom fate decides to superglue by your side.

"The unpredictability of life is what keeps us going. You never know what's round the corner, what the future will bring. " Kommandant's Girl by Pam Jenoff.

>12:35 PM